Is there anything more frustrating than writer's block? I've looked up all this advice online, nothing seems to work. Normally I don't like to write about having it because it looks amateur-ish (then again, I'm never fully satisfied), but I guess I could give it a shot.
The worst part is that I know what I want to write about: a song about the things about the world I'm ashamed of. Like how people are fakes, children are controlled by stage moms and hard-as-rock fathers, how fantasies are just that and nothing more, things like that. I just can't get it started.
I hate when I write about one thing and it turns into another. A song about wanting to run away turns into one about escaping with your love that, when you look at it, sounds like it could be on Radio Disney. I waste a lot of paper this way.
Two songs could help me: "Northern Downpour" by Panic! at the Disco, and "Stop and Stare" by OneRepublic. They are two incredible songs that inspire me to write the kind of song I'm thinking of. However, I'm stuck. I don't know where to begin.
If anyone has any tips on breaking writer's block, please let me know.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
10 Reasons to Date a Bowler
Warning: PG-13
1. We work well with multiple balls
2. We know how to hit it hard
3. We always come in at the right angle
4. We know how to pick it up
5. We take a fast approach
6. We know how to bend & stay balanced
7. We like it oily
8. If not oily we know how 2 work it dry
9. We have incredible aim
10. We are great at scoring
1. We work well with multiple balls
2. We know how to hit it hard
3. We always come in at the right angle
4. We know how to pick it up
5. We take a fast approach
6. We know how to bend & stay balanced
7. We like it oily
8. If not oily we know how 2 work it dry
9. We have incredible aim
10. We are great at scoring
Monday, December 15, 2008
Pessimist in Denial
Ever felt like you were never happy at home? Or you were only happy at home? Either way, you feel you don't go there enough. Maybe we just anticipate our happiness so much. We see it coming, but we'd like it to always be there. So I'm trying to look forward to any part of tomorrow if today just doesn't cut it. Maybe I'll find my happiness easier. At the same time, though, I don't want my expectations too high just to watch them crumble before my eyes.
I'm not always like this. I used to think the sun shone around me all the time. Lately, however, I've felt like one of those annoying, depressed-looking crybabies.
I'm not always like this. I used to think the sun shone around me all the time. Lately, however, I've felt like one of those annoying, depressed-looking crybabies.
Monday, December 8, 2008
As night falls
During the day, we have too much to do to contemplate our problems. Maybe your job is time-consuming, maybe homework is difficult, maybe you have kids that take up most of your day. We don't have time to sit back and think through whatever problem we feel we need to face.
That's what happens at night. As night falls on our shoulders, so does the weight of the world. We try to find a way to fall asleep.
If you're like me, you may start daydreaming until it bores you to sleep. That can lead you to any problem you've ever had to face. You can start remembering everything that made you unhappy that day, then that week, that month, and so on. In your head you say things you never had said and probably never will say. You feel like a screw-up and count the reasons why. Keep telling yourself, "I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to cry." Sometimes this works, other times it's just a countdown to the waterworks.
That's what happens at night. As night falls on our shoulders, so does the weight of the world. We try to find a way to fall asleep.
If you're like me, you may start daydreaming until it bores you to sleep. That can lead you to any problem you've ever had to face. You can start remembering everything that made you unhappy that day, then that week, that month, and so on. In your head you say things you never had said and probably never will say. You feel like a screw-up and count the reasons why. Keep telling yourself, "I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to cry." Sometimes this works, other times it's just a countdown to the waterworks.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Oh, no, she's getting preachy on us
I was going to post this tomorrow but I couldn't wait lol
Angie asked her daughter, Lexi, what she was thankful for. She replied, "I don't know. There are so many things!"
Angie smiled. "Let's go for a drive. I want to show you something."
After driving a while in their heated Mercedes, Lexi told Angie, "Didn't Daddy said this was a bad neighborhood?"
Angie simply replied, "Let me show you why."
As Angie drove down a side street, Lexi looked at what was outside the window. There was a man dressed as an elf in front of a Walgreen's.
"What are they for again?" she asked her mom.
"They're from the Salvation Army," Angie explained. "The money goes to people who can't have food, clothes, a house, things like that."
Later, they saw a woman and three young children huddled together. "Mommy, they look cold!" Lexi exclaimed.
Angie nodded. "Well, they're homeless. They don't have a heater or a roof over their heads."
Clouds were forming rapidly at the time. Lexi wanted to give them all the blankets on her bed.
"No mattress either, huh?" Lexi added.
Angie nodded. "That's right."
They finally reached a soup kitchen. People were lined up for what Lexi thought seemed like a mile.
"Why are these people all lined up?" Lexi asked her mom.
Angie explained, "They're waiting for their food."
"Yeah, if we're lucky," an elderly man in line added. He looked like he hadn't seen a razor or shower in weeks.
"Remember, Uncle Lester used to work here," Angie reminded Lexi.
"Oh, yeah." Lexi remembered how nasty she thought the food was. Angie refused to let her daughter eat any of it.
On their way home, Angie asked again, "Honey, what are you thankful for."
Lexi looked up at Angie with tears in her eyes. "God."
Angie smiled. "Why is that?" She knew the answer.
"We must be doing something right if He gave us all the stuff these guys don't. It's like, He does a lot for us, and we do nothing back." She hesitated. "I just wanted to let them warm up in our car, give them the rest of our food, give them a blanket, let them spend the night at my house, give them some of my toys so they're not so bored."
Angie patted her daughter on the head. "Daddy would've been so proud of you."
Angie asked her daughter, Lexi, what she was thankful for. She replied, "I don't know. There are so many things!"
Angie smiled. "Let's go for a drive. I want to show you something."
After driving a while in their heated Mercedes, Lexi told Angie, "Didn't Daddy said this was a bad neighborhood?"
Angie simply replied, "Let me show you why."
As Angie drove down a side street, Lexi looked at what was outside the window. There was a man dressed as an elf in front of a Walgreen's.
"What are they for again?" she asked her mom.
"They're from the Salvation Army," Angie explained. "The money goes to people who can't have food, clothes, a house, things like that."
Later, they saw a woman and three young children huddled together. "Mommy, they look cold!" Lexi exclaimed.
Angie nodded. "Well, they're homeless. They don't have a heater or a roof over their heads."
Clouds were forming rapidly at the time. Lexi wanted to give them all the blankets on her bed.
"No mattress either, huh?" Lexi added.
Angie nodded. "That's right."
They finally reached a soup kitchen. People were lined up for what Lexi thought seemed like a mile.
"Why are these people all lined up?" Lexi asked her mom.
Angie explained, "They're waiting for their food."
"Yeah, if we're lucky," an elderly man in line added. He looked like he hadn't seen a razor or shower in weeks.
"Remember, Uncle Lester used to work here," Angie reminded Lexi.
"Oh, yeah." Lexi remembered how nasty she thought the food was. Angie refused to let her daughter eat any of it.
On their way home, Angie asked again, "Honey, what are you thankful for."
Lexi looked up at Angie with tears in her eyes. "God."
Angie smiled. "Why is that?" She knew the answer.
"We must be doing something right if He gave us all the stuff these guys don't. It's like, He does a lot for us, and we do nothing back." She hesitated. "I just wanted to let them warm up in our car, give them the rest of our food, give them a blanket, let them spend the night at my house, give them some of my toys so they're not so bored."
Angie patted her daughter on the head. "Daddy would've been so proud of you."
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Forced
She walks down the aisle with the ugliest smile. She's not even looking at the groom; she's looking at everyone else as if to say, "Look at me, I'm getting married, told ya so."
The groom has done this before but he fakes a smile as he pretends to look at his bride.
Once they finally see eye-to-eye, their smiles quickly drop into frowns. It's almost as if they're strangers. The bride looks down and continues walking, still sort of smiling.
The groom sees what she's holding in her hands; it's not a bouquet, it's a whip. He shudders but still smiles; it's just another thing he's seen before.
The groom's oldest had vowed not to come; she is just blocks away trying marijuana with some 'friends.'
His other two kids are in the front row. One would rather be anywhere but there, the other feels indifferent.
The bride's kid is there, too. It's hard to tell how she feels.
The bride and groom meet at the altar and pull their masks down. At last, they look happy; now they see each other with a sense of familiarity.
Once they say, "I do," everyone lowers their heads in shame.
The groom has done this before but he fakes a smile as he pretends to look at his bride.
Once they finally see eye-to-eye, their smiles quickly drop into frowns. It's almost as if they're strangers. The bride looks down and continues walking, still sort of smiling.
The groom sees what she's holding in her hands; it's not a bouquet, it's a whip. He shudders but still smiles; it's just another thing he's seen before.
The groom's oldest had vowed not to come; she is just blocks away trying marijuana with some 'friends.'
His other two kids are in the front row. One would rather be anywhere but there, the other feels indifferent.
The bride's kid is there, too. It's hard to tell how she feels.
The bride and groom meet at the altar and pull their masks down. At last, they look happy; now they see each other with a sense of familiarity.
Once they say, "I do," everyone lowers their heads in shame.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
"Reality"
They say that nothing on reality TV is real. If you ask me, nothing in reality is real, either.
Think about it. Everyone is like a person on reality TV. They talk like they know everything but, when they're at a party or something, they're totally immature (then act as if they're more mature than everyone else).
Then there is the obvious reason: People are fake. They look interested but you can tell they're not. They make fake promises and say nothing but bullshit (excuse me).
And then you have the characters that say cliche sayings like it's their job. You know, the annoying loser who won't shut up.
You have the beautiful girls falling for the total jerks, her friends telling her it's wrong, the girl not listening, and total chaos ensues. If she's lucky, she finds out the hard way how right her friends are; however, some people never learn.
Then there is the character that shows up every now and then. You don't know what to make of them; you don't hate them, but they're not exactly your best friend in the world.
Think about it. Everyone is like a person on reality TV. They talk like they know everything but, when they're at a party or something, they're totally immature (then act as if they're more mature than everyone else).
Then there is the obvious reason: People are fake. They look interested but you can tell they're not. They make fake promises and say nothing but bullshit (excuse me).
And then you have the characters that say cliche sayings like it's their job. You know, the annoying loser who won't shut up.
You have the beautiful girls falling for the total jerks, her friends telling her it's wrong, the girl not listening, and total chaos ensues. If she's lucky, she finds out the hard way how right her friends are; however, some people never learn.
Then there is the character that shows up every now and then. You don't know what to make of them; you don't hate them, but they're not exactly your best friend in the world.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Driving can't calm me down
Going faster doesn't take me away from it all. Slamming my foot on the gas doesn't exert any anger I'm feeling. Turning up my radio doesn't drown out all the voices in my head. Traveling farther would somehow bring me back to where I started.
Basically all I'm saying is that driving doesn't calm me down as much as it used to.
Basically all I'm saying is that driving doesn't calm me down as much as it used to.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
I really don't get it
Things should be going great. My grades have never been better. I'm getting along with more people than I expected. People take me (somewhat) seriously. I've taken my schoolwork seriously, and it's really paying off. My mom is having my half-sister in early March (late February?).
Yet there's something missing...
Ever since the school year started, I've been getting stomachaches that'd last days. I've stressed out about my mom's pregnancy that, at one point, I had a panic attack (nothing I'm not new to). I'm never satisfied with my grades, even though they're mostly A's. On my practice ACT, I got a 23, yet I wasn't happy with that; everyone else was impressed, but I'm still trying to figure out what's so special. I've never been so hard on myself as a person. I feel as if I have such a short attention span that I don't deserve anyone paying attention to me and that I won't be able to do anything with my life since I can't focus on anything; yet people tell me I could do anything I want with my grades.
Out of nowhere today, I knew something was wrong. The only problem was I didn't know what it was. I feel as if I'm missing something in my life, but I'm not sure what that something is.
Yet there's something missing...
Ever since the school year started, I've been getting stomachaches that'd last days. I've stressed out about my mom's pregnancy that, at one point, I had a panic attack (nothing I'm not new to). I'm never satisfied with my grades, even though they're mostly A's. On my practice ACT, I got a 23, yet I wasn't happy with that; everyone else was impressed, but I'm still trying to figure out what's so special. I've never been so hard on myself as a person. I feel as if I have such a short attention span that I don't deserve anyone paying attention to me and that I won't be able to do anything with my life since I can't focus on anything; yet people tell me I could do anything I want with my grades.
Out of nowhere today, I knew something was wrong. The only problem was I didn't know what it was. I feel as if I'm missing something in my life, but I'm not sure what that something is.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
So much for dreams coming true
I'm realizing I'm a pessimist in denial. I try to be optimistic, then I say stuff like this
Here is why I don't consider myself close with my family: We all hate each other. Here is proof: My mom hasn't talked to my aunt in years, and now she's mad at my cousin about something (I really don't want to get into that) and is suing my cousin for not returning some communion dress but, truth be told, I think my mom is just bitter. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom, I don't like to see her unhappy; however, I hate how she tries to justifies the fact that she loves driving our family apart. I could go on and on about that...
Anyway, last night I had the best dream ever. I was at my grandpa's old house with all my cousins and my aunt and we were all getting along literally as if nothing happened. The exact second I told myself that this was real, I'd convinced myself I wasn't dreaming, and I was completely content...I woke up. I'm not kidding...
I woke up realizing that it will never happen. Our family won't ever be all together again. We can never be the same. There will always be someone that will take their bitterness too far. No one will admit their fault. We're all going to find excuses why it's OK to hate your own family. We always find something wrong with each other. I'm sick of people telling me we're a close family; trust me, we're not.
In the words of the wise, when the fire dies, you think it's over, but it's just begun - Avenged Sevenfold
Here is why I don't consider myself close with my family: We all hate each other. Here is proof: My mom hasn't talked to my aunt in years, and now she's mad at my cousin about something (I really don't want to get into that) and is suing my cousin for not returning some communion dress but, truth be told, I think my mom is just bitter. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom, I don't like to see her unhappy; however, I hate how she tries to justifies the fact that she loves driving our family apart. I could go on and on about that...
Anyway, last night I had the best dream ever. I was at my grandpa's old house with all my cousins and my aunt and we were all getting along literally as if nothing happened. The exact second I told myself that this was real, I'd convinced myself I wasn't dreaming, and I was completely content...I woke up. I'm not kidding...
I woke up realizing that it will never happen. Our family won't ever be all together again. We can never be the same. There will always be someone that will take their bitterness too far. No one will admit their fault. We're all going to find excuses why it's OK to hate your own family. We always find something wrong with each other. I'm sick of people telling me we're a close family; trust me, we're not.
In the words of the wise, when the fire dies, you think it's over, but it's just begun - Avenged Sevenfold
Sunday, November 2, 2008
I sensed the end
A few years back, my best friend (at the time) and I were having some problems. Let's just say we were fighting a lot and I was just being a bitch. Anyway, we hung out at this park we went to all the time. Everything seemed to be just fine, like nothing really happened.
However, I could tell this would be the last time we'd see each other. I can't really describe it; I just knew. It's like something inside my head told me, "You'll never have this again." I refused to believe it, to confront it. I just wanted to live in this moment for as long as I could because I knew I wouldn't have another last day with her. I wanted to enjoy it for as long as I could.
Soon after, we did grow apart. Maybe it was for the best. But, I have to say, I wasn't too surprised. We had that last day together, and I'll remember everything we'd been through, good and bad. I look back and I'm glad I never said, "Hey, this is the end of our friendship, huh?" Why ruin a good thing?
The world slows down
But my heart beats fast right now
I know this is the part
Where the end starts -"I hate this part" by Pussycat Dolls
However, I could tell this would be the last time we'd see each other. I can't really describe it; I just knew. It's like something inside my head told me, "You'll never have this again." I refused to believe it, to confront it. I just wanted to live in this moment for as long as I could because I knew I wouldn't have another last day with her. I wanted to enjoy it for as long as I could.
Soon after, we did grow apart. Maybe it was for the best. But, I have to say, I wasn't too surprised. We had that last day together, and I'll remember everything we'd been through, good and bad. I look back and I'm glad I never said, "Hey, this is the end of our friendship, huh?" Why ruin a good thing?
The world slows down
But my heart beats fast right now
I know this is the part
Where the end starts -"I hate this part" by Pussycat Dolls
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Dedicated to the NIU victims
This is from February 2008. If you want to hear about some of the writing process, read my entry entitled "If you haven't noticed."
This is supposed to take place before they found out who the shooter was and the last victim died in the hospital.
It was my dream come true to come to this school. I've never been so busy, confused, stressed, and happy in my life.
That one moment turned my dream into a nightmare.
I'll never forget the look on our faces. I'd never seen anyone so scared in my entire life! Everyone was so taken aback by it, we weren't sure what to think.
My mind was racing. I can't tell you a single complete thought I had. No one should hear the sound of a gun, at least not in this kind of situation; not if it's a random shooting.
I was so looking forward to today. I mean, who doesn't love Valentine's Day, at least just a little bit? This was supposed to be such a wonderful day. Then something like this happens.
Have you ever been to a wake or a funeral and saw everyone in the room crying? Imagine that with x amount of college students! I saw the toughest guy in my science class cry on his friend's shoulders. I saw the most athletic jock on the cross-country team in a fetal position on the ground, refusing to hide her tears. The worst of enemies would embrace each other and not care who saw.
I didn't get a good look of the shooter. There is a lot of talk about who it was. The nerd who ate by himself at lunch yesterday? The guy in the drama club who just got dumped by his girlfriend? Someone who goes to a rival school? A former teacher?
That kind of discussion would last about 5 or 10 seconds. We cared more about how they lived as opposed to how they died. I'm not sure right now how many died, but I saw one person get pulled into an ambulance. That one didn't look so good.
I didn't know them much, but I know one guy who was killed was so close to his family. That's pretty much all I've thought about. What's going to happen to his family? I can't imagine the pain they're going to go through.
I can sense this will be the only thing people are going to talk about. Who knows if the media is going to get it right anyway? This clearly won't give our school a good name; but, hey, that's not our fault. I don't care about that. The only thing I want to know is what is happening to the world?
Monday, October 27, 2008
Church model
On a violin, a bow is strummed along four strings to make music. The violinist rests the instrument on his/her chin on the chin rest. Pegs are used to tune the violin and the nut supports the string.
In this sense, the people of God are the strings, and we are guided by God, the bow. Jesus supports us like the chin rest and the nut. The Holy Spirit acts as the pegs because it 'tunes' our actions, if you will. The strings played together create harmony and beautiful music.
In this sense, the people of God are the strings, and we are guided by God, the bow. Jesus supports us like the chin rest and the nut. The Holy Spirit acts as the pegs because it 'tunes' our actions, if you will. The strings played together create harmony and beautiful music.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
If you haven't noticed
The original name for my blog was "Just for the heck of it" because...well I couldn't think of anything better. Now, it's called "Searching for inspiration." That's exactly what I'm doing at the moment.
One aggravating thing about writing is having writers block. Whenever I get it, it usually lasts quite a while until something happens that is, well, overwhelming. For example, I once had writers block for a few months (2 or 3 maybe) last year. As soon as I heard about the NIU shootings, I had inspiration for a story. I'll post that one some time this week.
So once something shocking, something incredible, happens like that, the writers block goes away. It takes a lot to capture my interest.
Why am I telling you this? Well, it's been a while since I posted anything. The reason you probably can't tell is because I've scheduled a few of my previous ones for a few days ahead of when I wrote them. Also, if you refer to my first post, you'll see that I admitted to having blogged on other sites and I said I'd use some of those.
If anyone can refer me to some blogs on this site (or any other) that is worth reading, let me know
One aggravating thing about writing is having writers block. Whenever I get it, it usually lasts quite a while until something happens that is, well, overwhelming. For example, I once had writers block for a few months (2 or 3 maybe) last year. As soon as I heard about the NIU shootings, I had inspiration for a story. I'll post that one some time this week.
So once something shocking, something incredible, happens like that, the writers block goes away. It takes a lot to capture my interest.
Why am I telling you this? Well, it's been a while since I posted anything. The reason you probably can't tell is because I've scheduled a few of my previous ones for a few days ahead of when I wrote them. Also, if you refer to my first post, you'll see that I admitted to having blogged on other sites and I said I'd use some of those.
If anyone can refer me to some blogs on this site (or any other) that is worth reading, let me know
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
About the "Conner" poem
I sent it to the author of the book it was inspired by ("Impulse" by Ellen Hopkins) and this was her response:
Excellent poem. I'm honored, and so is Conner! Thanks for writing
XX, Ellen
:D
Excellent poem. I'm honored, and so is Conner! Thanks for writing
XX, Ellen
:D
Friday, October 17, 2008
Parody Poem: Macbeth
In my English class, we have to write a parody poem about Macbeth. We've only read the first 3/6 acts. Here's my poem...
Fair is foul and foul is fair
So read Macbeth, if you dare
His partner in greatness, his wife
Friend, Banquo, must fear for his life
Macbeth starts out admirable
A strong fighter, oh so noble
Next thing you know, the witches tell
Of a fate that will bring him Hell
They tell him he will become king
And so he starts his killing spree
He gets rid of competition
Keep the title, that’s his mission
What’s to come of this tragedy?
We’ll find out in time, hopefully
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Obesity
I'm going to try my best not to offend anyone. If anything, I'm trying to defend overweight people.
Every single girl you meet in your life is self-conscious about her weight; guys are like this, too, but you mostly hear about girls. Not everyone looks perfect and obesity in America is rising.
Have you ever walked down the street or in a mall or anywhere else and saw an overweight person and started criticizing that person in your head? That's not fair and you know it; you don't know their lifestyle choices or how they grew up. Hey, it's not like they asked to look like that.
Putting off that weight isn't exactly easy. Everyone assumes that skinny people work out a lot and overweight people don't do much. My problem is when people think overweight people are lazy. Here are 2 perfect examples to prove how wrong that is:
-My friend is overweight even though she eats healthy is very physically active
-I, on the other hand, am not as active as her at all and I don't eat as healthy (ask anyone) and yet people tell me I look thin
My point: sometimes obese people work out more than those who aren't obese and results don't exactly show as much.
So leave these people alone. Don't they have enough to worry about without having people either giving them repulsed looks or, worse, trying not to look at them at all?
The first cut is the deepest
Every single girl you meet in your life is self-conscious about her weight; guys are like this, too, but you mostly hear about girls. Not everyone looks perfect and obesity in America is rising.
Have you ever walked down the street or in a mall or anywhere else and saw an overweight person and started criticizing that person in your head? That's not fair and you know it; you don't know their lifestyle choices or how they grew up. Hey, it's not like they asked to look like that.
Putting off that weight isn't exactly easy. Everyone assumes that skinny people work out a lot and overweight people don't do much. My problem is when people think overweight people are lazy. Here are 2 perfect examples to prove how wrong that is:
-My friend is overweight even though she eats healthy is very physically active
-I, on the other hand, am not as active as her at all and I don't eat as healthy (ask anyone) and yet people tell me I look thin
My point: sometimes obese people work out more than those who aren't obese and results don't exactly show as much.
So leave these people alone. Don't they have enough to worry about without having people either giving them repulsed looks or, worse, trying not to look at them at all?
The first cut is the deepest
Monday, October 13, 2008
Conner
http://www.ellenhopkins.com/Impulse.html
This poem was inspired by the book Impulse, about teenagers sent to a psychiatric hospital after they attempt suicide. What happens to Conner? Well, find out for yourself...
He seemed to have it all
He could have what he wanted
But no one would believe
The fears that kept him haunted
Like the women he loved
So different from other girls
The pressure from family
Left him the weight of the world
His sister, so pretty
He could never be like her
But nobody would care
Unless he got in Harvard
He pulled the trigger, but
He can't even do that right
They sent him to get help
But would they care if he died?
He met some great people
Again, he was admired
His parents sent homework
Intended they cared. Liars!
They took them all hiking
To pass obstacles again
As if life weren't enough
Last step: to climb the mountain
He's heard it all before
Negative noise in his head
He defies them, proves them wrong
Praise would still be left unsaid
He is above them all
Drugs can't get him high like this
They notice something's wrong
But they don't ask what it is
He's conquered the heartache
And he stares over the edge
He looks back one last time
And he steps over the edge
This poem was inspired by the book Impulse, about teenagers sent to a psychiatric hospital after they attempt suicide. What happens to Conner? Well, find out for yourself...
He seemed to have it all
He could have what he wanted
But no one would believe
The fears that kept him haunted
Like the women he loved
So different from other girls
The pressure from family
Left him the weight of the world
His sister, so pretty
He could never be like her
But nobody would care
Unless he got in Harvard
He pulled the trigger, but
He can't even do that right
They sent him to get help
But would they care if he died?
He met some great people
Again, he was admired
His parents sent homework
Intended they cared. Liars!
They took them all hiking
To pass obstacles again
As if life weren't enough
Last step: to climb the mountain
He's heard it all before
Negative noise in his head
He defies them, proves them wrong
Praise would still be left unsaid
He is above them all
Drugs can't get him high like this
They notice something's wrong
But they don't ask what it is
He's conquered the heartache
And he stares over the edge
He looks back one last time
And he steps over the edge
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Obnoxious things you'll hear from girls
I'm really getting sick of the people I've been associating myself with. Every girl I've come in contact with is the same: They think they're so sure about everything and think they're smarter than everyone else.
So to take these people down a peg, I've come up with responses to all the cliche bs I've been hearing...
1. I'm not fake like everyone else
Meaning: I'm the most fake beeotch (yes, I spelled it) you'll ever meet in your life
2. I don't care what people think of me
Yeah, you do. Who are you trying to kid? Besides, you wouldn't be saying that if people liked you
3. I wear a fake smile
Coming from the people who say they 'love their life.' There's a saying I like that goes with this: "do i regret one thing? never, because at one point i did what i wanted and i got my satisfaction!"
Yes, I stole that from someone
4. I don't need a guy controlling my life
So is that why you've been with the same a-hole for the past x amount of years?
5. I feel I'm more mature than most girls my age
HAHAHAHAHAHA
Are you kidding me?
6. I've done things I regret
These are the same people who claim to have no regrets
Vice versa
7. You will never know me
People say this all the time, what the hell is that supposed to mean?
8. I'm done, I'm over this, I'm independent
Honey, no you're not. By the way, this phrase is so overused (if that's a word) that it's lost its meaning
9. I'm not taking his crap anymore
Next day you'll be making out with him, watch
10. I'm far from perfect, and I'm OK with that
I don't believe that
11. I'm not looking to fight her
But if you were alone with her, she'd end up with a black eye, right?
12. I don't want anyone else getting involved in my business
Yeah, right. That's why you complain about your life on MySpace and to anyone who will pretend to listen
13. This is the start of a brand new me
Nope, same person I didn't like from the beginning
14. I take my beliefs very seriously
Aw, that's sweet. By the way, nice default of you in a bikini on your uncle's Lamborghini
So to take these people down a peg, I've come up with responses to all the cliche bs I've been hearing...
1. I'm not fake like everyone else
Meaning: I'm the most fake beeotch (yes, I spelled it) you'll ever meet in your life
2. I don't care what people think of me
Yeah, you do. Who are you trying to kid? Besides, you wouldn't be saying that if people liked you
3. I wear a fake smile
Coming from the people who say they 'love their life.' There's a saying I like that goes with this: "do i regret one thing? never, because at one point i did what i wanted and i got my satisfaction!"
Yes, I stole that from someone
4. I don't need a guy controlling my life
So is that why you've been with the same a-hole for the past x amount of years?
5. I feel I'm more mature than most girls my age
HAHAHAHAHAHA
Are you kidding me?
6. I've done things I regret
These are the same people who claim to have no regrets
Vice versa
7. You will never know me
People say this all the time, what the hell is that supposed to mean?
8. I'm done, I'm over this, I'm independent
Honey, no you're not. By the way, this phrase is so overused (if that's a word) that it's lost its meaning
9. I'm not taking his crap anymore
Next day you'll be making out with him, watch
10. I'm far from perfect, and I'm OK with that
I don't believe that
11. I'm not looking to fight her
But if you were alone with her, she'd end up with a black eye, right?
12. I don't want anyone else getting involved in my business
Yeah, right. That's why you complain about your life on MySpace and to anyone who will pretend to listen
13. This is the start of a brand new me
Nope, same person I didn't like from the beginning
14. I take my beliefs very seriously
Aw, that's sweet. By the way, nice default of you in a bikini on your uncle's Lamborghini
15. She has nothing better to do than talk shit about me
Look who's talking
16. I'm not like her, she's a bitch
You never know, you may have more in common than you think
17. I don't lie
Liar
Thursday, October 9, 2008
How are you?
I hate when people ask, "How are you?" The usual answer is, "I'm fine, you?" Everyone knows that's not completely true?
Well, let's see how I am...
Everyone keeps dying and I'm waiting to see how long it takes before it's my turn to lose someone close. My mom just yells and yells at me and makes personal insults and it's not getting any better. I'm drifting farther away from people I never should have let go. I can't stand my dad's girlfriend. The only way I can tolerate her is if I start doing drugs or something (I'm not on drugs). I'm ashamed of the people I'm surrounded by. I've had more panic attacks than I can count. My mom and aunt don't speak to each other and I'm still certain it's my fault and no one knows it. I can feel myself falling apart. I'm losing my confidence. People say they like me but I know they hate me, but there's nothing I can do about it.
And I'm just getting started.
We don't say all that because we don't want to pass our burdens down to others. If we don't say anything, then we feel like we're bottling our emotions and that makes us feel bad. If we say what's wrong, we think we're too whiny for people to handle, which also makes us feel bad.
How's life? Well, better than death.
Well, let's see how I am...
Everyone keeps dying and I'm waiting to see how long it takes before it's my turn to lose someone close. My mom just yells and yells at me and makes personal insults and it's not getting any better. I'm drifting farther away from people I never should have let go. I can't stand my dad's girlfriend. The only way I can tolerate her is if I start doing drugs or something (I'm not on drugs). I'm ashamed of the people I'm surrounded by. I've had more panic attacks than I can count. My mom and aunt don't speak to each other and I'm still certain it's my fault and no one knows it. I can feel myself falling apart. I'm losing my confidence. People say they like me but I know they hate me, but there's nothing I can do about it.
And I'm just getting started.
We don't say all that because we don't want to pass our burdens down to others. If we don't say anything, then we feel like we're bottling our emotions and that makes us feel bad. If we say what's wrong, we think we're too whiny for people to handle, which also makes us feel bad.
How's life? Well, better than death.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Amber
Before you read this, I just want to assure I don't personally know anyone named Amber, but don't ask how I thought of the name
Her name is Amber. Well, not really. I say her real name when I talk to her, I say her real name when I talk about her. But in my mind she is Amber
She's told me I'm not good enough. She's told me she knows me 'so well.' She's told me I have problems I need to sort out. This is something my father needs to hear, not me.
I sit on my porch, listening to the yelling. She rushes out of the house and storms down the steps, not daring to look at me. But I'm looking straight at her, whether she knows it or not.
My father runs after her. Interesting how he's never tried to chase after me for anything. By now she's getting in her car. He begs her to stay, but she's had enough. She gets in her car and speeds away.
My father throws a rock at a tree. I just stare at my hands on my lap. He marches toward the house. I stare at him and his fists, begging God not to let them harm me. He looks at me, and both of us look away. He wants me to feel guilty. He wants me to feel sad. He wants me to feel angry. He wants me to be anything but happy. It's not working, not for a minute.
I watch him enter the house. I rest my head in my hands as I hear him throwing things at the wall, screaming profanities and all that shit. You would think I'm used to it; even if I am, that doesn't mean I like it.
No longer do I have to hear the screaming. No longer do I have to hear the fighting. No longer do I feel in the middle like I have to take sides.
Well at least for now.
She's back the next day. Oh, Amber...
Life is like a piano. White keys are happy, black notes are sad; but both are played to make beautiful music.
(I paraphrased that quote a little)
Her name is Amber. Well, not really. I say her real name when I talk to her, I say her real name when I talk about her. But in my mind she is Amber
She's told me I'm not good enough. She's told me she knows me 'so well.' She's told me I have problems I need to sort out. This is something my father needs to hear, not me.
I sit on my porch, listening to the yelling. She rushes out of the house and storms down the steps, not daring to look at me. But I'm looking straight at her, whether she knows it or not.
My father runs after her. Interesting how he's never tried to chase after me for anything. By now she's getting in her car. He begs her to stay, but she's had enough. She gets in her car and speeds away.
My father throws a rock at a tree. I just stare at my hands on my lap. He marches toward the house. I stare at him and his fists, begging God not to let them harm me. He looks at me, and both of us look away. He wants me to feel guilty. He wants me to feel sad. He wants me to feel angry. He wants me to be anything but happy. It's not working, not for a minute.
I watch him enter the house. I rest my head in my hands as I hear him throwing things at the wall, screaming profanities and all that shit. You would think I'm used to it; even if I am, that doesn't mean I like it.
No longer do I have to hear the screaming. No longer do I have to hear the fighting. No longer do I feel in the middle like I have to take sides.
Well at least for now.
She's back the next day. Oh, Amber...
Life is like a piano. White keys are happy, black notes are sad; but both are played to make beautiful music.
(I paraphrased that quote a little)
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Don't go to bed angry
Kinda long...
Yesterday was quite a roller coaster for me. It went from normal, to bad, to relief, then pretty bad, then great, then so bad that I literally couldn't breathe.
It started out like a normal day. In my theology honors class, though, we got our tests back. I wasn't sure what my teacher was saying with the grade he put on it (there were a bunch of different numbers all over the place) and I thought I failed it. I was relieved later when I found out I actually passed it.
At about 6 I reminded my mom about taking me to youth group. We hadn't had dinner yet, and my mom starts yelling at me as if it's my fault she can't remember anything. I saw this as a test to see if she can remember anything about me, and she failed.
Yeah, cuz I love when pregnant bipolar psychos yell at me over nothing.
My mom had me drive to youth group...I hate driving, especially with my mom, so that didn't help much. I had a blast when I got there. I met up with people I hadn't seen in a while, we played some fun games, blah blah blah.
After I got home I did laundry. My mom kept giving me like 3 different directions on what goes in the dryer, what setting, etc. At one point she starts screaming at me.
Quick thing: There is a difference between yelling and screaming. Yelling is something I (somewhat) pay attention to; screaming, I just let it go in one ear and out the other, and all I really hear is the noise the person is making.
Anyway, it brought back memories of other times my mom yelled/screamed at me. When a pregnant woman yells at you, it's personal. Those memories never leave. Pregnant woman know just how to cut you down to pieces. Just thinking of everything drove me insane. I started throwing a 'temper tantrum' down in the laundry room. Grunting to myself, throwing things, crying, slamming doors, all that jazz. No one said anything, though.
Afterward I was getting in the shower, and I was just gasping for air. I just could not breathe. I was making the most obnoxious noises that probably drove my sisters crazy.
This morning in my first 2 classes I've been so dizzy. Whenever I go to bed angry this happens. I guess it's an adrenaline rush. As time goes on, how I handle anger is different. I used to be mad and let it ruin my whole day and have this bitchy attitude all day. As I got older, I'd be really PO'd for a while and I'm OK in not much time at all. Now, if I get mad enough, I just get real dizzy after I'm angry.
Well, the whole thing yesterday has given me ideas for writing, so the bright side is my writers' block is (somewhat) cured. Bad news: I still have no idea why I keep getting dizzy whenever I'm angry.
Ugh something is always wrong with me. -Kelly T
Give and take
Yesterday was quite a roller coaster for me. It went from normal, to bad, to relief, then pretty bad, then great, then so bad that I literally couldn't breathe.
It started out like a normal day. In my theology honors class, though, we got our tests back. I wasn't sure what my teacher was saying with the grade he put on it (there were a bunch of different numbers all over the place) and I thought I failed it. I was relieved later when I found out I actually passed it.
At about 6 I reminded my mom about taking me to youth group. We hadn't had dinner yet, and my mom starts yelling at me as if it's my fault she can't remember anything. I saw this as a test to see if she can remember anything about me, and she failed.
Yeah, cuz I love when pregnant bipolar psychos yell at me over nothing.
My mom had me drive to youth group...I hate driving, especially with my mom, so that didn't help much. I had a blast when I got there. I met up with people I hadn't seen in a while, we played some fun games, blah blah blah.
After I got home I did laundry. My mom kept giving me like 3 different directions on what goes in the dryer, what setting, etc. At one point she starts screaming at me.
Quick thing: There is a difference between yelling and screaming. Yelling is something I (somewhat) pay attention to; screaming, I just let it go in one ear and out the other, and all I really hear is the noise the person is making.
Anyway, it brought back memories of other times my mom yelled/screamed at me. When a pregnant woman yells at you, it's personal. Those memories never leave. Pregnant woman know just how to cut you down to pieces. Just thinking of everything drove me insane. I started throwing a 'temper tantrum' down in the laundry room. Grunting to myself, throwing things, crying, slamming doors, all that jazz. No one said anything, though.
Afterward I was getting in the shower, and I was just gasping for air. I just could not breathe. I was making the most obnoxious noises that probably drove my sisters crazy.
This morning in my first 2 classes I've been so dizzy. Whenever I go to bed angry this happens. I guess it's an adrenaline rush. As time goes on, how I handle anger is different. I used to be mad and let it ruin my whole day and have this bitchy attitude all day. As I got older, I'd be really PO'd for a while and I'm OK in not much time at all. Now, if I get mad enough, I just get real dizzy after I'm angry.
Well, the whole thing yesterday has given me ideas for writing, so the bright side is my writers' block is (somewhat) cured. Bad news: I still have no idea why I keep getting dizzy whenever I'm angry.
Ugh something is always wrong with me. -Kelly T
Give and take
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Don't Look Back
9-29-08
Don't look backHe'll see it in your eyes
How you long for his smile
Don't look back
You have just missed the chance
To give a passing glance
Don't look back
He'll find out for himself
How real it was you felt
Don't look back
Let him think you're alright
While you're crying inside
Don't look back
Don't let him see you sad
Don't show how you feel bad
Don't look back
He'll see you fall apart
He'll see your broken heart
Don't look back
And look into his eyes
Where you once thought truth lies
Don't look back
To all your past mistakes
Better you walk away
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Monologue
First off, I know it's been a while but I'm going to post more blogs in the future. I hate using this excuse, but I've been a little busy.
That being said...
Yesterday I auditioned for a play at my school (later today I figure out if I made it). So in the spirit of the occasion, I thought I'd post a monologue I wrote myself a few months ago...
I've officially lost faith in all this crap they call love. [sarcastically] "Oh, I love you. Nothing can ruin this." Oh, please. Dad, is there such thing as "til death do us part?" I mean, face it; there are more divorces than marriages. Obviously our family knows that all too well. I just hope I never have to deal with that. Divorce, I mean. Like, it's too long, too complicated, a total waste of time. I mean, why can't we just say, "OK, we're through, take your stuff and leave." Done. That's it. But it's really all this lawyer and court nonsense. I don't want that. All I want is someone who is willing to stay with me forever, no matter what mood I'm in, no matter what problems I'm facing, no matter how I'm acting. Just someone who will love me no matter what. But at this point, I'm 99% positive that'll never happen.
Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself
That being said...
Yesterday I auditioned for a play at my school (later today I figure out if I made it). So in the spirit of the occasion, I thought I'd post a monologue I wrote myself a few months ago...
I've officially lost faith in all this crap they call love. [sarcastically] "Oh, I love you. Nothing can ruin this." Oh, please. Dad, is there such thing as "til death do us part?" I mean, face it; there are more divorces than marriages. Obviously our family knows that all too well. I just hope I never have to deal with that. Divorce, I mean. Like, it's too long, too complicated, a total waste of time. I mean, why can't we just say, "OK, we're through, take your stuff and leave." Done. That's it. But it's really all this lawyer and court nonsense. I don't want that. All I want is someone who is willing to stay with me forever, no matter what mood I'm in, no matter what problems I'm facing, no matter how I'm acting. Just someone who will love me no matter what. But at this point, I'm 99% positive that'll never happen.
Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
World Peace
We're living in the year 2008, meaning we're aware by now that it's not that simple for all of us to hold hands and sing, "Kumbaya" or something gay like that. So what's with everyone preaching about world peace? I mean, we can't even keep peace on our streets, in our homes, in our families, in our schools. And you expect us to get along with each other?
Divorce rates are 52%. We hear about people getting abused or murdered. We look at a person and think, "Oh, I'm not going to like that person." Sometimes, when we do get to know them, we see that we have different personalities that we just can't click with. People have long-term fights over small things that won't matter in the long run.
But this doesn't mean that all hope is lost. At least we're aware of the way we are. We're aware that we can be judgmental and unfair. Some of us do something about it; others ignore it, saying, "I won't be like that when I'm older." These people never change their ways when they're older.
So what I'm trying to say is that, and I hate to say it, world peace at the moment is almost impossible. It's going to be a long time before that happens.
Divorce rates are 52%. We hear about people getting abused or murdered. We look at a person and think, "Oh, I'm not going to like that person." Sometimes, when we do get to know them, we see that we have different personalities that we just can't click with. People have long-term fights over small things that won't matter in the long run.
But this doesn't mean that all hope is lost. At least we're aware of the way we are. We're aware that we can be judgmental and unfair. Some of us do something about it; others ignore it, saying, "I won't be like that when I'm older." These people never change their ways when they're older.
So what I'm trying to say is that, and I hate to say it, world peace at the moment is almost impossible. It's going to be a long time before that happens.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Everybody's Disappearing
From November last year
I’ve always been afraid of being in a big, empty, limitless room with absolutely nothing but white walls, kind of like in a movie. I found myself in that room I’m afraid of. The weird thing is, I’m not confused. I don’t care why I’m there, I don’t care how I got there.
At first there isn’t anyone in there. All of a sudden, I see my sister. I run up to her to greet her. She just stares at me. I brush my hand against her cheek but she turns away from me. A knife appears in her hand and she cuts her arm. I grab the knife, but then she and the knife suddenly disappear.
My brother shows up behind me. I grab to pick him up. He keeps the same smile on his face, but tears are running down his face. He tells me, "Mommy and Daddy don’t love me." He keeps his smile masked on his face. I try to hug him, but he is gone all of a sudden before I can embrace him.
My best friend taps me on the shoulder. She doesn’t look happy. I ask her what’s wrong. She yells at me, "You should know! Why do you even care?" She turns around and runs until she disappears from my sight.
I feel my mother’s embrace from behind me. I turn around and I can’t believe my eyes. There are bruises all over her body and you can tell she’s been bleeding. I try to grab her arm to comfort her, but she fades away.
My father appears next to me and kneels before me. He tells me, "Be strong, honey, be strong." He gets up and spreads his arms out, beckoning me to jump in his arms. I run to him and try to jump in his arms, but he disappears as well.
This is the only point where I wonder what is going on. Where is everyone going? Why is everyone leaving me on my own? All these people told me they loved me, and I loved them back. They’re just going to leave me behind? I realize now I’m in such a confusing place How can everyone disappear when I need them most?
At first there isn’t anyone in there. All of a sudden, I see my sister. I run up to her to greet her. She just stares at me. I brush my hand against her cheek but she turns away from me. A knife appears in her hand and she cuts her arm. I grab the knife, but then she and the knife suddenly disappear.
My brother shows up behind me. I grab to pick him up. He keeps the same smile on his face, but tears are running down his face. He tells me, "Mommy and Daddy don’t love me." He keeps his smile masked on his face. I try to hug him, but he is gone all of a sudden before I can embrace him.
My best friend taps me on the shoulder. She doesn’t look happy. I ask her what’s wrong. She yells at me, "You should know! Why do you even care?" She turns around and runs until she disappears from my sight.
I feel my mother’s embrace from behind me. I turn around and I can’t believe my eyes. There are bruises all over her body and you can tell she’s been bleeding. I try to grab her arm to comfort her, but she fades away.
My father appears next to me and kneels before me. He tells me, "Be strong, honey, be strong." He gets up and spreads his arms out, beckoning me to jump in his arms. I run to him and try to jump in his arms, but he disappears as well.
This is the only point where I wonder what is going on. Where is everyone going? Why is everyone leaving me on my own? All these people told me they loved me, and I loved them back. They’re just going to leave me behind? I realize now I’m in such a confusing place How can everyone disappear when I need them most?
Saturday, September 13, 2008
The Sun Will Rise
This is from about a month ago
You really don't need this
You don't need to see
Your world falling apart
With no sympathy
The rain is pouring down
And the sun goes out
As we head toward the West
All we see are clouds
I wish I could take you
Away to the East
You'll finally see the sun
Rise for you and me
Would the things in the dark
Finally come to light?
Will this all go away?
Will we love our life?
I know one day you'll shine
Shine just like the sun
Can you smile for me?
It feels like Heaven
Run with me to the East
Where the sun will rise
No more grief, no more pain
And, yes, no more cries
Friday, September 12, 2008
Guilt takes over
This is from a few months ago...
Our literature class has been reading Macbeth. Some things this deals with include guilt, murder, relationships, all that good stuff. It's awesome! I don't think I've been so excited about Shakespeare lol
All that aside, I think I'm going to lose it if I hear one more thing about guilt. It seems like I hear things about tremendous guilt only when that's what I'm feeling. Like, if I feel really bad about one thing, I start feeling bad about smaller things, too. Like about a week or so ago, I felt bad when I didn't hear someone ask for a pencil. I know, it's ridiculous. Guilt seems to be the only thing I think about and every single thing reminds me about it.
A lot of us sometimes feel like guilt is overpowering us. I've always been hard on myself, so this shouldn't be much of a surprise. I started realizing what guilt can do to a person back in sophomore year. That's when I wrote this:
The Veronicas, one of my favorite bands, once asked, "What do you do when it all falls apart?" Well, I've realized something today: Guilt is a bitch. We've all been there; feeling bad about ourselves to the point where we just want to throw a rock at our reflection. While it's true that we should take responsibility for our actions, we can't be so hard on ourselves. When something goes wrong, you have to make it right. Moping about how horrible you are all day isn't gonna help anything. Everyone says good things come to those who wait; not true, I think good things come to those who take action. So what do you do when it all falls apart? You fix it.
No matter how far you go down the wrong road, you can always turn back
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Let's see what happens
I just started this today. I've blogged on another site so I may start out by posting old ones from there. Honestly, I don't know anyone else who does this besides a few people on YouTube. This will probably consist of things I've written or opinions I feel need to be put out there.
And I just call myself satyrnxoxo because I thought it looked cool and I didn't want it to have anything to do with my real name. It's just a random thing I thought of.
Oh and I might end a lot of my blogs with a quote like this:
Whenever I'm right, no one remembers. Whenever I'm wrong, no one forgets.
And I just call myself satyrnxoxo because I thought it looked cool and I didn't want it to have anything to do with my real name. It's just a random thing I thought of.
Oh and I might end a lot of my blogs with a quote like this:
Whenever I'm right, no one remembers. Whenever I'm wrong, no one forgets.
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