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You have no idea how hard it is to miss you.  Sitting here alone, in a place I no longer enjoy, knowing I could be somewhere else with you.  After a while I get fed up with getting my hopes up only to find out last-minute that you're not coming.  It's nice knowing you can provide for yourself, and for me, in the long run, but it's still so hard.  When I'm with you, I cry from laughing.  When I'm not, I cry because I miss laughing with you.  Being with you makes me see a future for myself.  A happy future.  One I look forward to.  One with you.  But it gets harder to see the future when you know it can never be in your present.  I know you have important things to worry about, some more important than me, but you're important to me, too.  Seeing you once or twice every two weeks is never easy for either of us.  I never wanted to be your top priority, but I would like to know that I'm a priority.  I know you're trying your hardest, but textual conversations aren't enough to make me happy.  I wish I could see your face.  I wish I could hold you.  I wish I could see you no matter how you're feeling - happy, sad, angry, sick, whatever.  Life is so much easier when you're around.  So where are you now...

Consistency

I've noticed that people have been walking in and out of my life a lot lately. Almost like a revolving door. Sometimes they go through it once and leave just as quickly as they came, other times they go through again and again until they finally make up their mind. They see that they don't need (or don't want) to stick around and decide to leave for good. Maybe it's best that way. I need consistency. I can't deal with the whole one-day-you're-my-best-friend-the-next-day-I-want-nothing-to-do-with-you thing. Either you stick around or you leave. Your choice. I'm fine either way.

I'm also learning the hard way that people never change. If they make a mistake, chances are they'll make it again. They seem to make that same mistake just when you consider them a good person again. That's when they remind you why you didn't like them in the first place. This is why my exes are still my exes, this is why my former friends are my former friends, and this is why whenever my friends try to get back with their exes, it ends in disaster.

All I ask is that people make up their minds. That's it. If you want to be in my life, stay there. If you want to change your ways and stop making the same mistakes, then stop making the same mistakes. It's that simple. But I'm not going to force somebody to make that decision. I want the people in my life to be in my life because they want to, not because they feel obligated.

That Face in the Mirror

Ever try looking in the mirror and hate what you see?
You can try to change your appearance all you want
To what you like
To what others like
But it's still not good enough
All your insecurities are laid out in front of you
Too fat
Too skinny
Pizza face
One by one, you see your flaws
And so can everyone else
I can handle being called too fat, too skinny, pizza face - all those things
But it's everything inside of me that I cannot handle
Bad influence
Liar
Screw-up
Troubled
Selfish
Insulting
Inconsiderate
These are the things that make it hard to look in the mirror
These are the things that make it hard for me to smile
Something that once came so naturally
Suddenly seems like a conscious effort
I can change my appearance as much as I want
I can get a haircut
Buy different make-up
Lose weight
Gain weight
Wear different clothes
Hey, some people consider plastic surgery
But that doesn't change me on the inside
What am I supposed to do about that?

Change it.

Stages, Insomnia, and Inspiration

You know the five stages of dealing with a loss? Denial, sadness, anger, bargaining, and acceptance? Well, I've learned the same can apply to the loss of a friendship.
1. Denial
"Maybe she doesn't mean it, she might just be emotional. I'm sure that by tomorrow she'll be over it and everything will be back to normal."
2. Sadness
"Why did this happen? I can't do anything right! I miss her!"
3. Anger
"I can't believe she would do this. One day I'm her best friend, next thing I know she wants nothing to do with me."
4. Bargaining
"Maybe I can fix this. Maybe I can call her up and apologize and everything will be okay."
5. Acceptance
"We're probably both better off without each other."
(Personally, I'm still working on this last stage.)

I think the hardest part about losing a friend is not knowing how the other person is feeling. Is she happy it's over? Or is she just as sad as I am? Is this loss going to be temporary, or does this person never want to speak to me again? Is she hurting as bad as I am? Was it easy for her to end it? This is what keeps me up at night, not knowing how the other person is doing, what they're thinking, what they're saying, what's going to happen.

You know how sometimes writers will get writers' block? Is there a word for feeling the opposite? Because that's what I'm experiencing right now. The thing about me is I either have a really bad writers' block or I just write all the time. The key is to find something that gets you from having writers' block to suddenly having a lot of inspiration. For me, I get inspired by everyone and everything around me. The best cures I've had for writers' block came from significant events, either in my life or in other people's lives. I get inspired by everyone and everything around me, and when something huge happens in someone's life or in mine (somebody dies, somebody loses a friend, etc.) it sparks a creative interest in me. Suddenly I find myself just writing and writing - sometimes just rambling, other times a full-on story. So even when things get tough for me, I always have something to keep me going. It helps me find a positive thing in such a negative situation.

Where Do I Even Begin?!?!?!

I needed to vent...

July was a very bad month for me. It started out so promising: I had a chance to get away with my family for a while, I had gotten rid of people I did not need in my life, and I was surrounded by great friends and great people. However, I knew from the start that July was not going to be as great as it seemed.

I had been dealing with migraines my whole life and I recently got fed up with them, so I was seeking medical help for them. After seeing doctors, getting tests done on me, and finally getting an MRI done, they found nothing serious was causing my migraines (by now, all these tests were reminding me how much I hate needles). They gave me some medication to help with them. At first I didn't react well with them; the first time I took it my head felt like it was on fire. After a while, though, I was able to take them with no issues; I realized I reacted the way I did because I was stressed out. When I take my medication and I'm stressed out, it takes a toll on my body physically and puts me in more pain than it should.

My vacation with my family wasn't too great, either. I thought it would be the perfect escape from all the stress in my life. Instead, my family was acting the way they always did - always complaining, always causing tension, always causing problems. Just when I thought I could get away from all the drama, my family reminds me where most drama in my life comes from - them.

I separated myself from stressful people for a while, and I thought everything in my life was going perfectly. Then, late one night after dealing with horrible off-and-on stomach pains, I was rushed to the ER. My stomach was bloated like a balloon and I was in a lot of pain. Doctors did so many tests on me (which meant more needles) to find what was wrong. What they found was a blockage in my stomach keeping me from passing gas and performing a bowel movement (sorry, but there's no way to explain this without sounding gross). However, they also found an ovarian cyst 6 cm in size. They did more tests to get a better look at it. The cyst had nothing to do with the blockage in my stomach; doctors concluded the blockage was caused by a virus, and the blockage soon went away.

Just when I thought I was okay and free to go (my mom and I had gotten no sleep, it's hard to sleep when you're stomach is three times larger than normal), I started getting a fever and my blood pressure rose. Doctors wanted to keep me another night and were worried my appendix might burst. After waiting for what felt like forever, my fever went down, my blood pressure went down, and my appetite finally came back. They finally let me go and I immediately fell asleep once I got home.

Doctors told me that, because they don't want the cyst to get worse, I should refrain from doing strenuous activity. They also told me to manage my stress, the same thing my physician told me to help deal with my migraines. Obviously, it is much easier said than done. I'm starting to feel like when I can't handle any more stress, people stress me out. Case and point: My friends know I can't get too stressed out because of my health. Still, my friends have either tried causing drama with me or just been avoiding me...sometimes both, which is the worst. Stress is the last thing I need, but the first thing I can find.

I'm trying to distance myself from stressful people and focusing on relaxing, taking it easy so things don't get worse for me. I physically cannot handle much more stress at this point.

Break Time

It is late and I am fed up with everything. How such small things can lead to such huge confrontation. How words can easily be mixed up from something innocent to something offensive. How our intentions mean nothing when our words and our actions end up hurting somebody else.
Finally I am allowed some time to myself, so I sit in my car. I find solace in these few moments I have alone, watching strangers pass me by. They pretend they don't see me as I do the same to them. They stare at me until I look back at them, then we both quickly divert our eyes to something else, as if we were not just watching each other, wondering how each others' lives are going. Where we're going, what we're thinking, what our worries may be.
I see the setting sun. Its rays, a beautiful shade of yellow and orange, still stretch far and wide into the cloudless sky. I have never seen anything more beautiful.
The music playing on the radio is a mix of nostalgia and heartbreak. I close my eyes and let the melody sink into my brain, trying to let the nostalgia I hear overpower the heartbreak I feel. When I open my eyes again, I notice the sun's rays are getting smaller, duller, more distant. The sun is setting much faster than I had anticipated. Soon, I will not be able to witness how the sun looks just before it disappears from us. All I will have is this gut-wrenching music and the watchful eyes of strangers. I will be left to face the significant confrontations, the offensive words, and the meaningless intentions once again, this time knowing that beauty and solace like this may not come again for a very long time.

What If It Is?

Feels like no one can save me
You used to never try
Just ignore me
Pretend I'm not there
How can You turn away from something staring you in the face
Suddenly I can't hide anymore
My scars are easier to see
I can't ignore them anymore
Just like You could do so easily
Still when someone reaches out a helping hand
Something I always yearned for
I turn away
Just like You turned away from me
I've gotten used to saving myself
It may not be perfect
But it's better than being ignored
Truth is no one can save me
Sometimes not even I can
Am I going to be stuck like this forever?
I'm too damn stubborn to ask for help
What if their help isn't enough to save me?
What if it is...

So Much for Forever

You said I was the best thing that ever happened to you
Now you say I'm the worst mistake you ever made

You said I meant so much to you
Now you don't think anything of me

You used to do whatever you could to see me
Now you do whatever you can to avoid me

You used to love being around me
Now you want nothing to do with me

You used to believe in us
Now you don't believe a thing I say

You used to be so happy with me
Now you're much happier away from me

You used to say we'd never make the same mistakes my parents made
Now I realize we made different kinds of mistakes

You used to love seeing me happy
Now you love seeing me at my lowest

You told me you would do anything you could to keep me happy
Now you do anything you can to make me upset

You told me you would always love me
Look how that turned out

What Do You Want From Me?

Aside from my last few posts, it's been about five months since I've written anything for my blog. I've fallen into the pattern that most bloggers on this site fall into - not posting for a long time and blaming it on how "busy" they are.

So I've decided that I was not going to go another five months without posting something and then just end up writing a gloomy rant about an ex-boyfriend. But I've been sort of staring at the screen for quite some time now and found out why I really haven't posted anything in a while - I'm stuck.

It's not exactly writer's block. So much has happened in the last five or six months and writer's block has been the furthest thing from my mind. The real problem is I don't really know what my next post should be about. There is no specific topic I blog about. There are blogs that only focus on one thing; some people blog about personal experiences, some people post poems they've written, some people just post recipes, etc. My blog, however, has been sort of random - things I've written, rants I've gone on, things on my mind, etc.

What exactly do readers want from their favorite bloggers? We don't get asked this a lot, so now I'm asking you - what do you want?

Today

I've had enough of Today

Today has been very mean to me
Today is just all over the place
Today likes to pick on me
Today likes to see me at my worst
Today keeps kicking me when I'm down
Today doesn't seem to be getting any better
Today keeps messing up
Today can't do anything right
Today just wants to point out all my mistakes
Today makes the same mistakes over and over again
Today is hopeless
Today is endless

I just want Today to end
Maybe Tomorrow will be better

Obliviate

For the 2010-2011 New Year's Eve (or NYE if you're annoying) I spent it at my boyfriend's house with some friends of his. Usually I don't like New Year's Eve because I'm either single or spending it alone, so this one was definitely one of my better New Year's Eves (and it was the first time I was ever kissed at midnight, that was pretty cool).

Meanwhile, my parents went out to a party while my sisters stayed home. My parents came home at around 10 (at their age, New Year's isn't one of those things they want to stay out until one in the morning for). When they came home, they had their own little celebration going on when the clock struck midnight. They fooled around with silly New Year's hats and streamers and took dorky pictures together.

I have to say, despite all the fun I had at the party I went to, it was a little sad to see my family celebrating in pictures without me there. It just made me think of how many other family activities I might have to miss out on now that I'm getting older. What if I can't go on family vacations because of work? What if I can't go to a social event with my family because of school? What if I decide to hang out with my friends on a day that my family decides to have a fun lazy Sunday doing nothing but playing board games? (Trust me, my family can make board games fun.) It's amazing how much more I love my family when I start missing out on the things we could do together.

Sorry, I'm not trying to sound depressing or anything. This is teaching me to cherish my family more and realize just how much they do for me. And I know they weren't unhappy that I wasn't there with them on New Year's - they wouldn't want me to miss out on my first New Year's kiss.