My resolution for last year was to learn how to cook....let's just say that didn't go very well.
But this year I have a better one that I may actually keep: Stop feeling so damn sorry for myself.
I'm a pretty self-deprecating person. I always beat myself up for every little thing I do. Whenever I mess up, I always make it seem like I just caused the end of the world. We all make mistakes, but I'm always way too hard on myself when I mess up.
Recently I learned (the hard way) that self-deprecation isn't a very attractive quality in a person. In fact, I think it's pretty pathetic and we should all have at least a little pride in ourselves. I'm not saying we should have an ego - I'm just saying that the whole "I hate myself" thing gets old...fast.
Nobody I know likes the fact that I'm so hard on myself. Honestly, it's starting to bug me as well. So this year, I'm going to try to stop beating myself up for everything and try to focus on more positive things about me. Over the past few months I've learned that people like me better (and I like myself better) when I'm happy and positive. In order to do this, I'm going to try to stop feeling so sorry for myself and realize I'm not a totally unlikable person.
Not sure what the point is with resolutions. For example, if your resolution is to drink more water and you're at a party in January and someone asks if you want a Bud Light, you might respond, "Oh, I can't, my resolution was to drink more water." You're never going to hear somebody in September say that. But it's still nice to have some kind of goal for yourself for the year.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Friday, December 24, 2010
You Know...
Sometimes I feel bad about the way I hurt you.
But then I remember all the ways you hurt me.
The lonely days.
The sleepless nights.
Crying until 2 in the morning.
Feeling like a lousy person just because you were having a bad day.
Feeling like the whole world was against me.
Never satisfied.
Always wondering if there was something better out there for me.
Knowing that there WAS something better out there for me.
Wasn't happy whenever I showed up to see you.
Wasn't happy after I saw you, either.
Feeling much happier with other friends than with you.
Constantly worrying about what you said and who you said it too.
Worrying how those people felt about me.
Feeling like my back was against the wall and everyone was against me.
Suddenly I don't feel so bad.
But then I remember all the ways you hurt me.
The lonely days.
The sleepless nights.
Crying until 2 in the morning.
Feeling like a lousy person just because you were having a bad day.
Feeling like the whole world was against me.
Never satisfied.
Always wondering if there was something better out there for me.
Knowing that there WAS something better out there for me.
Wasn't happy whenever I showed up to see you.
Wasn't happy after I saw you, either.
Feeling much happier with other friends than with you.
Constantly worrying about what you said and who you said it too.
Worrying how those people felt about me.
Feeling like my back was against the wall and everyone was against me.
Suddenly I don't feel so bad.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Get Over It
A lot of people would say I'm an optimistic, bubbly person who is always happy. Maybe that's a fair assumption, maybe not. But I will admit that I'm a lot more positive than I was four or five years ago. I think that's because I've stopped caring so much. Let me explain...
I'll admit, life has been fairly good to me - I don't live on the streets, there is always food on the table for dinner, I've surrounded myself with good people. But life always comes with disappointments, no matter who you are. I've been bullied, I've put my trust in people that ended up screwing me over in the long run, etc.
It's easy to be bitter about something. And it's easy to look at someone and instantly point out everything you don't like about that person. Hating someone is easy, but moving on takes guts. And you'll feel a lot better about yourself if you're less stressed out about stuff you don't like and you focus on things you actually like.
Any problem I've had in the past that I felt like would never go away ended up going away. Look at anything you're faced with now. It's probably not going to matter five, ten, fifteen years from now. It isn't healthy to live in the past. That's why I live in the moment. I don't stress out about every little problem and about every little thing I don't like. There's a lot I can be angry and bitter about, but I'd rather move on and stop caring. It keeps me happy and helps me sleep at night. I can look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that I like the way I turned out. I couldn't do that six years ago.
I'll admit, life has been fairly good to me - I don't live on the streets, there is always food on the table for dinner, I've surrounded myself with good people. But life always comes with disappointments, no matter who you are. I've been bullied, I've put my trust in people that ended up screwing me over in the long run, etc.
It's easy to be bitter about something. And it's easy to look at someone and instantly point out everything you don't like about that person. Hating someone is easy, but moving on takes guts. And you'll feel a lot better about yourself if you're less stressed out about stuff you don't like and you focus on things you actually like.
Any problem I've had in the past that I felt like would never go away ended up going away. Look at anything you're faced with now. It's probably not going to matter five, ten, fifteen years from now. It isn't healthy to live in the past. That's why I live in the moment. I don't stress out about every little problem and about every little thing I don't like. There's a lot I can be angry and bitter about, but I'd rather move on and stop caring. It keeps me happy and helps me sleep at night. I can look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that I like the way I turned out. I couldn't do that six years ago.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Just My Luck days
Ever have one of those moments where you think, "That would happen to me." Well I had many moments like that today.
I was shopping with my boyfriend and I went into Discovery. I went there a few weeks ago for the first time and was amazed at the cute clothes and low prices (by the way I'm not getting paid or anything to say that) but I didn't have any money. So I go in today with money and I couldn't find a single thing I wanted.
So later we go back to the mall. It was 90 degrees out and I really wanted some water but I didn't want to spend $1.25 on a water bottle. Now on any other day I could find a million water fountains at that mall. But today I only find one and it's not working. So guess who had to spend $1.25 on water...(ok actually my boyfriend bought it for me)
So all day we talked about the kind of 'luck' we get and I wanted to share one last thing. About two summers ago my sister and I were playing in the alley and we had to go back in the yard. My sister didn't want to go through the gate because we had a lot of bees there. I thought it was ridiculous (even though she was about 8 at the time) and I wanted to prove to her that she wouldn't get stung. So I walk through the gate and, of course, I get stung by a bee.
No moral to this story, really. Just wanted to share some funny unlucky things that happened.
I was shopping with my boyfriend and I went into Discovery. I went there a few weeks ago for the first time and was amazed at the cute clothes and low prices (by the way I'm not getting paid or anything to say that) but I didn't have any money. So I go in today with money and I couldn't find a single thing I wanted.
So later we go back to the mall. It was 90 degrees out and I really wanted some water but I didn't want to spend $1.25 on a water bottle. Now on any other day I could find a million water fountains at that mall. But today I only find one and it's not working. So guess who had to spend $1.25 on water...(ok actually my boyfriend bought it for me)
So all day we talked about the kind of 'luck' we get and I wanted to share one last thing. About two summers ago my sister and I were playing in the alley and we had to go back in the yard. My sister didn't want to go through the gate because we had a lot of bees there. I thought it was ridiculous (even though she was about 8 at the time) and I wanted to prove to her that she wouldn't get stung. So I walk through the gate and, of course, I get stung by a bee.
No moral to this story, really. Just wanted to share some funny unlucky things that happened.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Didn't See That Coming
A few weeks ago, a man was driving down the street along a forest preserve. All of a sudden, a tree falls and lands on his car, killing him (not instantly). If he had been a second past the tree or even a second before the tree, he probably would have lived. Sadly, he made perfect timing...
This just didn't seem fair to me. This man was probably on his way to work thinking about his family and his job and the plans he'd made for that day. All of a sudden - BOOM! - he's dead. His time was cut too short. What if he still had important things to take care of? What if he still had to make peace with people? What if he still wanted to make things right with his faith? What if he had to say things still left unsaid?
Sadly, he'll never get his chance. And this happens everyday. But it's more humbling to hear about one person than all these statistics about how many people die a day. The sad thing is no one saw this coming. It's surreal to think that in an instant everything can change without warning. Always keep in mind that tomorrow is guaranteed to no one.
This just didn't seem fair to me. This man was probably on his way to work thinking about his family and his job and the plans he'd made for that day. All of a sudden - BOOM! - he's dead. His time was cut too short. What if he still had important things to take care of? What if he still had to make peace with people? What if he still wanted to make things right with his faith? What if he had to say things still left unsaid?
Sadly, he'll never get his chance. And this happens everyday. But it's more humbling to hear about one person than all these statistics about how many people die a day. The sad thing is no one saw this coming. It's surreal to think that in an instant everything can change without warning. Always keep in mind that tomorrow is guaranteed to no one.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Fifty Things I've Done in my Life
1. Had panic attacks
2. Made a promise and didn't keep it
3. Cried at the movies
4. Went horseback riding
5. Spent Valentine's Day at a Vegas wedding
6. Been asked if I'm anorexic
7. Been told I need to eat more by the same person who used to call me 'big'
8. Cried until 2 in the morning
9. Made out in an elevator...with my friend watching
10. Was stranded at a Halloween party
11. Had people come up to me and ask if I'm Polish
12. Got a perm...huge mistake
13. Lied about having gum...then got caught chewing gum
14. Got in trouble for not doing homework...that I did
15. Attended all the schools my parents did
16. Did karaoke
17. Reduced audience members to tears with my piano playing
18. Fell out of a tree...then laughed about it
19. Punched my computer screen and wondered why it didn't work
20. Been listed as a sister on Facebook with a girl I'm not related to
21. Been told I'm beautiful when I felt ugly
22. Laughed when I fell...I've done this many times
23. Been stung by bees at least 5 times
24. Told a boy "I love you" and meant it
25. Wrote a love letter in my Spanish class
26. Swam in the ocean in Cancun
27. Rode on the back of a motorcycle
28. Drove a boat
29. Got 5 teeth pulled out
30. Memorized the Preamble to the Constitution
31. Had braces for about 3 years
32. Won concert tickets from a radio station
33. Been told I'm very smart by someone I had just met
34. Had the cops called to my house
35. Curled up in a ball in the middle of the bathroom floor
36. Snuck out just to see if my dad would notice
37. Had a snake on my shoulders
38. Won an award for a story I wrote when I was about 12
39. Drove before I had my permit and my mom filmed it
40. Cut my own hair
41. Gave blood
42. Cried while driving
43. Was certified in CPR
44. Saw someone faint onstage
45. Said I was okay when I wasn't
46. Sprained my ankle when I was on vacation
47. Hit my sister and instantly regretted it
48. Written/Still write a blog
49. Learned songs on piano by ear
50. Thanked God I'm alive
2. Made a promise and didn't keep it
3. Cried at the movies
4. Went horseback riding
5. Spent Valentine's Day at a Vegas wedding
6. Been asked if I'm anorexic
7. Been told I need to eat more by the same person who used to call me 'big'
8. Cried until 2 in the morning
9. Made out in an elevator...with my friend watching
10. Was stranded at a Halloween party
11. Had people come up to me and ask if I'm Polish
12. Got a perm...huge mistake
13. Lied about having gum...then got caught chewing gum
14. Got in trouble for not doing homework...that I did
15. Attended all the schools my parents did
16. Did karaoke
17. Reduced audience members to tears with my piano playing
18. Fell out of a tree...then laughed about it
19. Punched my computer screen and wondered why it didn't work
20. Been listed as a sister on Facebook with a girl I'm not related to
21. Been told I'm beautiful when I felt ugly
22. Laughed when I fell...I've done this many times
23. Been stung by bees at least 5 times
24. Told a boy "I love you" and meant it
25. Wrote a love letter in my Spanish class
26. Swam in the ocean in Cancun
27. Rode on the back of a motorcycle
28. Drove a boat
29. Got 5 teeth pulled out
30. Memorized the Preamble to the Constitution
31. Had braces for about 3 years
32. Won concert tickets from a radio station
33. Been told I'm very smart by someone I had just met
34. Had the cops called to my house
35. Curled up in a ball in the middle of the bathroom floor
36. Snuck out just to see if my dad would notice
37. Had a snake on my shoulders
38. Won an award for a story I wrote when I was about 12
39. Drove before I had my permit and my mom filmed it
40. Cut my own hair
41. Gave blood
42. Cried while driving
43. Was certified in CPR
44. Saw someone faint onstage
45. Said I was okay when I wasn't
46. Sprained my ankle when I was on vacation
47. Hit my sister and instantly regretted it
48. Written/Still write a blog
49. Learned songs on piano by ear
50. Thanked God I'm alive
Friday, March 19, 2010
Jaded in January
Lame pun, huh? Well it isn't a pun. In fact, it's exactly how I felt in January: jaded. Physically, mentally, and emotionally (in that order).
Let's start at the beginning. For the first week or two, I was pretty sick. I think it was a sinus infection or postnasaldrep (sorry, can't spell that to save my life) or something like that. I was so sick that I often felt dizzy and shaky. I also got thinner, which is okay unless you're like me and you've been advised to actually gain weight.*
That was the physically draining part; next came my mental health. As I recovered from all this, I began getting involved in a few conflicts with friends. Even though they weren't directly involving me, I still found myself in the middle of things. It seems like it all started because of something I did. People would swear to me that it wasn't my fault; good luck making me believe that. I learned a lot about people close to me, more than I needed to know. Somehow I didn't lose any friends, though, which kept me feeling vindicated, like I didn't do anything wrong.
So by the end of the month, I was feeling very cynical. Every little thing pissed me off to the point where I just wanted to scream and kick and punch and throw everything in sight. I was about ready to give up on everything. Nothing made me happy anymore. I simply did not care anymore.
February was so good to me, though. Soon enough, I found myself smiling more. I even found reasons to smile, not just because someone told me I should.**
I've been able to tolerate more physically and emotionally. I'm not always worn out and tired. I've been working out more and, thanks to my mom's dumbbells and my aerobics, I actually have muscle as opposed to skeleton arms. Also, I found myself getting less annoyed; I could never stay mad at a person for more than a day or two.
I had an epiphany one day: Yes, a lot has happened to me. I can let that define me, or I can rise above it and make myself known for more than just my mistakes.
*I've since gained pretty much all of the weight back, but it wasn't like I lost 20 pounds or something.
**People tell me I need to smile more; I always say to myself, "Give me a reason."
Let's start at the beginning. For the first week or two, I was pretty sick. I think it was a sinus infection or postnasaldrep (sorry, can't spell that to save my life) or something like that. I was so sick that I often felt dizzy and shaky. I also got thinner, which is okay unless you're like me and you've been advised to actually gain weight.*
That was the physically draining part; next came my mental health. As I recovered from all this, I began getting involved in a few conflicts with friends. Even though they weren't directly involving me, I still found myself in the middle of things. It seems like it all started because of something I did. People would swear to me that it wasn't my fault; good luck making me believe that. I learned a lot about people close to me, more than I needed to know. Somehow I didn't lose any friends, though, which kept me feeling vindicated, like I didn't do anything wrong.
So by the end of the month, I was feeling very cynical. Every little thing pissed me off to the point where I just wanted to scream and kick and punch and throw everything in sight. I was about ready to give up on everything. Nothing made me happy anymore. I simply did not care anymore.
February was so good to me, though. Soon enough, I found myself smiling more. I even found reasons to smile, not just because someone told me I should.**
I've been able to tolerate more physically and emotionally. I'm not always worn out and tired. I've been working out more and, thanks to my mom's dumbbells and my aerobics, I actually have muscle as opposed to skeleton arms. Also, I found myself getting less annoyed; I could never stay mad at a person for more than a day or two.
I had an epiphany one day: Yes, a lot has happened to me. I can let that define me, or I can rise above it and make myself known for more than just my mistakes.
*I've since gained pretty much all of the weight back, but it wasn't like I lost 20 pounds or something.
**People tell me I need to smile more; I always say to myself, "Give me a reason."
Most Impatient Person Award
That award should be given to me. I absolutely hate waiting. It's almost unfair how impatient I am. For example, I'm currently annoyed that my boyfriend is taking over an hour and a half to text me back, but one time I didn't get back to him for over two hours and he didn't mind at all. Usually when he takes a while to get back to me it's because he's doing something important for school or with his family and I make myself look like a bitch. =/
The other day, the senior class at my school went on a retreat. In one of the activities, we had to wear a blindfold while 5 students walked around and tapped our heads if we showed whatever quality/trait/characteristic a teacher called out. One person said I was patient. I have no idea who said this, but I would like to know just so I could go up to this person and say, "You are sorely mistaken."
Those close to me agree I'm not the most patient person. I have a short attention span (in my opinion), I can't sit still, I can't wait for practically two seconds, and I have the temper of a middle-aged man with three kids (i.e. my father).
Allow me to get a little religious with this. January was not a good month for me.* Like I said, I was feeling cynical and hopeless. I was about ready to give up on life. See, I've been spoiled my whole life, including with God's grace; there have been times where I would pray to God to help me through whatever situation I was in and the next day, everything was okay. But now I was getting impatient. I said several times that I gave up and I was sick of waiting. I was giving up hope that God would get me out of this any time soon.
However, I soon did get out of that mess I was in. I was so much happier and had renewed faith in God. Sometimes now I wonder why I ever doubted Him in the first place.
Which brings me back to my impatience. My being so spoiled my whole life made me unable to handle hard situations. The whole month was a learning experience for me. I realized that there will be tough times for me to go through and I'll have to get used to it. And I must always keep in mind that God is looking out for me.
*My next post should explain this.
The other day, the senior class at my school went on a retreat. In one of the activities, we had to wear a blindfold while 5 students walked around and tapped our heads if we showed whatever quality/trait/characteristic a teacher called out. One person said I was patient. I have no idea who said this, but I would like to know just so I could go up to this person and say, "You are sorely mistaken."
Those close to me agree I'm not the most patient person. I have a short attention span (in my opinion), I can't sit still, I can't wait for practically two seconds, and I have the temper of a middle-aged man with three kids (i.e. my father).
Allow me to get a little religious with this. January was not a good month for me.* Like I said, I was feeling cynical and hopeless. I was about ready to give up on life. See, I've been spoiled my whole life, including with God's grace; there have been times where I would pray to God to help me through whatever situation I was in and the next day, everything was okay. But now I was getting impatient. I said several times that I gave up and I was sick of waiting. I was giving up hope that God would get me out of this any time soon.
However, I soon did get out of that mess I was in. I was so much happier and had renewed faith in God. Sometimes now I wonder why I ever doubted Him in the first place.
Which brings me back to my impatience. My being so spoiled my whole life made me unable to handle hard situations. The whole month was a learning experience for me. I realized that there will be tough times for me to go through and I'll have to get used to it. And I must always keep in mind that God is looking out for me.
*My next post should explain this.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
One Hell of a Place
In my Literature class, we were reading Dante's Inferno and we had to make a travel brochure for Hell. Here is a little of what I put:
First Circle - Limbo: Complete with green fields and a castle, visitors will see people too good for Hell but not good enough for heaven. They may even get to meet people like Virgil, Homer, and Julius Caesar!
Second Circle - Lust: Bring umbrellas, hats, and any other protection for heavy winds and violent storms. Also, bring your camera if you get to see Cleopatra, Helen of Troy, and Achilles!
Third Circle - Gluttony: Known for its icy rain, but kids will enjoy the slush it leaves behind!
Fourth Circle - Greed: Plutus guards as two groups battle in the sport of joust. Guests will be able to view this at any time on any day!
Fifth Circle - Wrathful and Sullen: Enjoy a gondola ride down the swamp-like Styx River with sullen souls lying beneath the water. Meanwhile, guests will watch the wrathful fight during their visit.
Sixth Circle - Heresy: Consists of those who rejected religious beliefs. Expect to see flaming tombs, so bring sunglasses!
Seventh Circle - Violence: Enjoy a hot spring in the Phlegethon River of boiling blood. Take a nature walk as suicide victims transform into bushes and trees, but watch out for the dogs! Prepare for hot, beach-like weather in the desert of flaming sand!
Eighth Circle - Fraud: Sky-dive with three-headed Geryon into the Ten Bolgias of the Eighth Circle! Enjoy rock-climbing, astrologists with backwards heads, devils performing black comedy, and a fire-breathing dragon!
Ninth Circle - Betrayal: In the final circle of Hell, enjoy ice-skating on Cocytus, a lake of ice with traitors immersed inside. In the center, get your picture taken with Satan!
Packages:
See You in Hell: Visit Circles 1-3 for three days. Includes a great view of nature, a bedroom in a castle, and nice, cool temperatures. Price: Life of laziness and desire
Go to Hell: Visit Circles 1-6 for five days. Includes free tickets to jousting tournaments, a gondola ride in the Styx River, and security brought to you by fallen angels. Price: Life of cynicism and rebellion
Burn in Hell: Visit all 9 Circles for one week. Includes a hot spring, sky-diving, hot temperatures, ice-skating, and a chance to meet Satan! Price: Life of ambition and temper
First Circle - Limbo: Complete with green fields and a castle, visitors will see people too good for Hell but not good enough for heaven. They may even get to meet people like Virgil, Homer, and Julius Caesar!
Second Circle - Lust: Bring umbrellas, hats, and any other protection for heavy winds and violent storms. Also, bring your camera if you get to see Cleopatra, Helen of Troy, and Achilles!
Third Circle - Gluttony: Known for its icy rain, but kids will enjoy the slush it leaves behind!
Fourth Circle - Greed: Plutus guards as two groups battle in the sport of joust. Guests will be able to view this at any time on any day!
Fifth Circle - Wrathful and Sullen: Enjoy a gondola ride down the swamp-like Styx River with sullen souls lying beneath the water. Meanwhile, guests will watch the wrathful fight during their visit.
Sixth Circle - Heresy: Consists of those who rejected religious beliefs. Expect to see flaming tombs, so bring sunglasses!
Seventh Circle - Violence: Enjoy a hot spring in the Phlegethon River of boiling blood. Take a nature walk as suicide victims transform into bushes and trees, but watch out for the dogs! Prepare for hot, beach-like weather in the desert of flaming sand!
Eighth Circle - Fraud: Sky-dive with three-headed Geryon into the Ten Bolgias of the Eighth Circle! Enjoy rock-climbing, astrologists with backwards heads, devils performing black comedy, and a fire-breathing dragon!
Ninth Circle - Betrayal: In the final circle of Hell, enjoy ice-skating on Cocytus, a lake of ice with traitors immersed inside. In the center, get your picture taken with Satan!
Packages:
See You in Hell: Visit Circles 1-3 for three days. Includes a great view of nature, a bedroom in a castle, and nice, cool temperatures. Price: Life of laziness and desire
Go to Hell: Visit Circles 1-6 for five days. Includes free tickets to jousting tournaments, a gondola ride in the Styx River, and security brought to you by fallen angels. Price: Life of cynicism and rebellion
Burn in Hell: Visit all 9 Circles for one week. Includes a hot spring, sky-diving, hot temperatures, ice-skating, and a chance to meet Satan! Price: Life of ambition and temper
Saturday, January 2, 2010
2010 New Year Resolution
Mine: Learn how to cook
Since I will be starting college in the fall, it is becoming inevitable that I am growing up. Before I know it, I'll be living on my own. It'd be nice to know how to cook more than Hamburger Helper and grilled cheese sandwiches.
Last year, my resolution was to plan out my next move
I decided on a college major and even found out what school I will be attending (not saying where; last thing I need is some pervert knowing where I go to school).
Since I will be starting college in the fall, it is becoming inevitable that I am growing up. Before I know it, I'll be living on my own. It'd be nice to know how to cook more than Hamburger Helper and grilled cheese sandwiches.
Last year, my resolution was to plan out my next move
I decided on a college major and even found out what school I will be attending (not saying where; last thing I need is some pervert knowing where I go to school).
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