Consistency

I've noticed that people have been walking in and out of my life a lot lately. Almost like a revolving door. Sometimes they go through it once and leave just as quickly as they came, other times they go through again and again until they finally make up their mind. They see that they don't need (or don't want) to stick around and decide to leave for good. Maybe it's best that way. I need consistency. I can't deal with the whole one-day-you're-my-best-friend-the-next-day-I-want-nothing-to-do-with-you thing. Either you stick around or you leave. Your choice. I'm fine either way.

I'm also learning the hard way that people never change. If they make a mistake, chances are they'll make it again. They seem to make that same mistake just when you consider them a good person again. That's when they remind you why you didn't like them in the first place. This is why my exes are still my exes, this is why my former friends are my former friends, and this is why whenever my friends try to get back with their exes, it ends in disaster.

All I ask is that people make up their minds. That's it. If you want to be in my life, stay there. If you want to change your ways and stop making the same mistakes, then stop making the same mistakes. It's that simple. But I'm not going to force somebody to make that decision. I want the people in my life to be in my life because they want to, not because they feel obligated.

That Face in the Mirror

Ever try looking in the mirror and hate what you see?
You can try to change your appearance all you want
To what you like
To what others like
But it's still not good enough
All your insecurities are laid out in front of you
Too fat
Too skinny
Pizza face
One by one, you see your flaws
And so can everyone else
I can handle being called too fat, too skinny, pizza face - all those things
But it's everything inside of me that I cannot handle
Bad influence
Liar
Screw-up
Troubled
Selfish
Insulting
Inconsiderate
These are the things that make it hard to look in the mirror
These are the things that make it hard for me to smile
Something that once came so naturally
Suddenly seems like a conscious effort
I can change my appearance as much as I want
I can get a haircut
Buy different make-up
Lose weight
Gain weight
Wear different clothes
Hey, some people consider plastic surgery
But that doesn't change me on the inside
What am I supposed to do about that?

Change it.

Stages, Insomnia, and Inspiration

You know the five stages of dealing with a loss? Denial, sadness, anger, bargaining, and acceptance? Well, I've learned the same can apply to the loss of a friendship.
1. Denial
"Maybe she doesn't mean it, she might just be emotional. I'm sure that by tomorrow she'll be over it and everything will be back to normal."
2. Sadness
"Why did this happen? I can't do anything right! I miss her!"
3. Anger
"I can't believe she would do this. One day I'm her best friend, next thing I know she wants nothing to do with me."
4. Bargaining
"Maybe I can fix this. Maybe I can call her up and apologize and everything will be okay."
5. Acceptance
"We're probably both better off without each other."
(Personally, I'm still working on this last stage.)

I think the hardest part about losing a friend is not knowing how the other person is feeling. Is she happy it's over? Or is she just as sad as I am? Is this loss going to be temporary, or does this person never want to speak to me again? Is she hurting as bad as I am? Was it easy for her to end it? This is what keeps me up at night, not knowing how the other person is doing, what they're thinking, what they're saying, what's going to happen.

You know how sometimes writers will get writers' block? Is there a word for feeling the opposite? Because that's what I'm experiencing right now. The thing about me is I either have a really bad writers' block or I just write all the time. The key is to find something that gets you from having writers' block to suddenly having a lot of inspiration. For me, I get inspired by everyone and everything around me. The best cures I've had for writers' block came from significant events, either in my life or in other people's lives. I get inspired by everyone and everything around me, and when something huge happens in someone's life or in mine (somebody dies, somebody loses a friend, etc.) it sparks a creative interest in me. Suddenly I find myself just writing and writing - sometimes just rambling, other times a full-on story. So even when things get tough for me, I always have something to keep me going. It helps me find a positive thing in such a negative situation.

Where Do I Even Begin?!?!?!

I needed to vent...

July was a very bad month for me. It started out so promising: I had a chance to get away with my family for a while, I had gotten rid of people I did not need in my life, and I was surrounded by great friends and great people. However, I knew from the start that July was not going to be as great as it seemed.

I had been dealing with migraines my whole life and I recently got fed up with them, so I was seeking medical help for them. After seeing doctors, getting tests done on me, and finally getting an MRI done, they found nothing serious was causing my migraines (by now, all these tests were reminding me how much I hate needles). They gave me some medication to help with them. At first I didn't react well with them; the first time I took it my head felt like it was on fire. After a while, though, I was able to take them with no issues; I realized I reacted the way I did because I was stressed out. When I take my medication and I'm stressed out, it takes a toll on my body physically and puts me in more pain than it should.

My vacation with my family wasn't too great, either. I thought it would be the perfect escape from all the stress in my life. Instead, my family was acting the way they always did - always complaining, always causing tension, always causing problems. Just when I thought I could get away from all the drama, my family reminds me where most drama in my life comes from - them.

I separated myself from stressful people for a while, and I thought everything in my life was going perfectly. Then, late one night after dealing with horrible off-and-on stomach pains, I was rushed to the ER. My stomach was bloated like a balloon and I was in a lot of pain. Doctors did so many tests on me (which meant more needles) to find what was wrong. What they found was a blockage in my stomach keeping me from passing gas and performing a bowel movement (sorry, but there's no way to explain this without sounding gross). However, they also found an ovarian cyst 6 cm in size. They did more tests to get a better look at it. The cyst had nothing to do with the blockage in my stomach; doctors concluded the blockage was caused by a virus, and the blockage soon went away.

Just when I thought I was okay and free to go (my mom and I had gotten no sleep, it's hard to sleep when you're stomach is three times larger than normal), I started getting a fever and my blood pressure rose. Doctors wanted to keep me another night and were worried my appendix might burst. After waiting for what felt like forever, my fever went down, my blood pressure went down, and my appetite finally came back. They finally let me go and I immediately fell asleep once I got home.

Doctors told me that, because they don't want the cyst to get worse, I should refrain from doing strenuous activity. They also told me to manage my stress, the same thing my physician told me to help deal with my migraines. Obviously, it is much easier said than done. I'm starting to feel like when I can't handle any more stress, people stress me out. Case and point: My friends know I can't get too stressed out because of my health. Still, my friends have either tried causing drama with me or just been avoiding me...sometimes both, which is the worst. Stress is the last thing I need, but the first thing I can find.

I'm trying to distance myself from stressful people and focusing on relaxing, taking it easy so things don't get worse for me. I physically cannot handle much more stress at this point.