Jaded in January

Lame pun, huh? Well it isn't a pun. In fact, it's exactly how I felt in January: jaded. Physically, mentally, and emotionally (in that order).

Let's start at the beginning. For the first week or two, I was pretty sick. I think it was a sinus infection or postnasaldrep (sorry, can't spell that to save my life) or something like that. I was so sick that I often felt dizzy and shaky. I also got thinner, which is okay unless you're like me and you've been advised to actually gain weight.*

That was the physically draining part; next came my mental health. As I recovered from all this, I began getting involved in a few conflicts with friends. Even though they weren't directly involving me, I still found myself in the middle of things. It seems like it all started because of something I did. People would swear to me that it wasn't my fault; good luck making me believe that. I learned a lot about people close to me, more than I needed to know. Somehow I didn't lose any friends, though, which kept me feeling vindicated, like I didn't do anything wrong.

So by the end of the month, I was feeling very cynical. Every little thing pissed me off to the point where I just wanted to scream and kick and punch and throw everything in sight. I was about ready to give up on everything. Nothing made me happy anymore. I simply did not care anymore.

February was so good to me, though. Soon enough, I found myself smiling more. I even found reasons to smile, not just because someone told me I should.**

I've been able to tolerate more physically and emotionally. I'm not always worn out and tired. I've been working out more and, thanks to my mom's dumbbells and my aerobics, I actually have muscle as opposed to skeleton arms. Also, I found myself getting less annoyed; I could never stay mad at a person for more than a day or two.

I had an epiphany one day: Yes, a lot has happened to me. I can let that define me, or I can rise above it and make myself known for more than just my mistakes.

*I've since gained pretty much all of the weight back, but it wasn't like I lost 20 pounds or something.
**People tell me I need to smile more; I always say to myself, "Give me a reason."