Don't go to bed angry

Kinda long...

Yesterday was quite a roller coaster for me. It went from normal, to bad, to relief, then pretty bad, then great, then so bad that I literally couldn't breathe.

It started out like a normal day. In my theology honors class, though, we got our tests back. I wasn't sure what my teacher was saying with the grade he put on it (there were a bunch of different numbers all over the place) and I thought I failed it. I was relieved later when I found out I actually passed it.

At about 6 I reminded my mom about taking me to youth group. We hadn't had dinner yet, and my mom starts yelling at me as if it's my fault she can't remember anything. I saw this as a test to see if she can remember anything about me, and she failed.

Yeah, cuz I love when pregnant bipolar psychos yell at me over nothing.

My mom had me drive to youth group...I hate driving, especially with my mom, so that didn't help much. I had a blast when I got there. I met up with people I hadn't seen in a while, we played some fun games, blah blah blah.

After I got home I did laundry. My mom kept giving me like 3 different directions on what goes in the dryer, what setting, etc. At one point she starts screaming at me.

Quick thing: There is a difference between yelling and screaming. Yelling is something I (somewhat) pay attention to; screaming, I just let it go in one ear and out the other, and all I really hear is the noise the person is making.

Anyway, it brought back memories of other times my mom yelled/screamed at me. When a pregnant woman yells at you, it's personal. Those memories never leave. Pregnant woman know just how to cut you down to pieces. Just thinking of everything drove me insane. I started throwing a 'temper tantrum' down in the laundry room. Grunting to myself, throwing things, crying, slamming doors, all that jazz. No one said anything, though.

Afterward I was getting in the shower, and I was just gasping for air. I just could not breathe. I was making the most obnoxious noises that probably drove my sisters crazy.

This morning in my first 2 classes I've been so dizzy. Whenever I go to bed angry this happens. I guess it's an adrenaline rush. As time goes on, how I handle anger is different. I used to be mad and let it ruin my whole day and have this bitchy attitude all day. As I got older, I'd be really PO'd for a while and I'm OK in not much time at all. Now, if I get mad enough, I just get real dizzy after I'm angry.

Well, the whole thing yesterday has given me ideas for writing, so the bright side is my writers' block is (somewhat) cured. Bad news: I still have no idea why I keep getting dizzy whenever I'm angry.

Ugh something is always wrong with me. -Kelly T

Give and take